terrysalernoI didn’t know boundaries existed until I was 35. Shocking…right?
Well, if you come, as I do, from a small town in the south of Italy, this wouldn’t surprise you much. We have NO boundaries. We don’t know what they are, we don’t talk about them and by culture, we don’t think it’s good to have boundaries, at least between relatives and close friends. What do I mean? Let me give you an example. I am 20 and having a shower. The bathroom door is closed but not locked. My mum knocks on the door and asks “Can I come in?”. I shout back “Mum, I am having a shower, I am naked!”, she answers while opening the door “that’s ok, daughter, I am your mum, I can see you naked, I created you!”
Another example could be a close friend asking you how much you earn. How would you respond? You would either tell them the truth or lie about your salary, but you would never say ” Sorry, I don’t feel comfortable with sharing this information”. Why is that? Because in our culture having boundaries is rude. Is it not rude to ask such a private question? You might think. Yes, it is. But we’ll get back there in a moment.
I wanted to share this story with you so that you can understand how difficult it was for me to start setting boundaries and how difficult it still is for some people. So…if you are struggling with boundaries and do not know where to start from, you are in the right place!
First of all, I would like to clarify that there are different types of boundaries and the ones we are talking about here are emotional boundaries. For example, physical boundaries are easier to identify as we all have our skin to define our bodies (although it might still be difficult to protect them), therefore I will leave this topic to a future post.
Lets’ start with a very cool definition of boundaries by Anne Katherine M.A, which says ” Boundaries are a limit or edge that defines you as separate from the others”. They define the limits on what is safe and appropriate for you.
This implies that we have a strong self-awareness, a good knowledge of what we like and what we don’t like, and how we want others to treat and interact with us. As we develop boundaries in childhood, it can be difficult for people who have grown in dysfunctional families to define their boundaries. That’s because they have been taught that their opinion doesn’t matter and have been forced to act against their internal messages, which makes more difficult for them to learn how to listen to their true feelings.
Therefore, the first step to define our boundaries is to get in touch with our inner self and be clear on what are our values, thoughts, feelings, passions, strengths, and weaknesses are. The reason is that once you are 100% clear on these, you will be able to communicate your boundaries in a clearer way, express your feelings and understand what you can tolerate and what you cannot.
It’s also important to make a distinction here between what it is too much and what it is not enough for us, the distance between intrusion violations and distance violations. Intrusion violations refer to anything that feels like inappropriate to us, that ackward feeling coming from a specific question or a comment for example. Distance violations, instead, come when intimacy is less then what is appropriate to the relationship: for example non- sexual cuddling,hugging, holding and touching are very important in parent-child relationship as well as between husband & wife. If our partner is too distant and not giving us what we believe to be necessary for the health of the relationship, we should say so and have the courage to ask for our needs to be met. This is something that people with strong, healthy boundaries normally do as they know how to recognise their “non-negotiable”.
Ok so now we know what are values are and how to communicate them, what else do we need to do to build strong boundaries? The third element is Re-inforce and maintain. Let me give you an example here. If I know that I value honesty in a relationship and that cheating is not acceptable for me, if my partner cheats on me and I don’t leave the relationship, what does this tell about me? And if I accept is once, how many chances I have for the behaviour not to repeat?
I think this last part of the process is the most difficult one an I like how bestselling author Dr John Townsend explains this when he mentions the 3 obstacles to setting boundaries:
1 – Fear of loss of a relationship = if I set limits in the relationship, I’ll end up disappointing you and maybe loose you ( fear of abandonment);
2 – Fear of conflict = someone is angry at me, I cannot handle conflict so I’d rather accommodate their needs ( people pleaser);
3 -Fear of guilt = I am afraid I would damage you if I say no (feeling guilty when disappointing or hurting someone).
We all have the need for connection and if we look at the fears above it’s very clear that in order to preserve our relationships we ould rather put aside our own needs and thoughts. However, by doing so, we do even worse: we are very much giving others a lot of power and they could use it to manipulate or control us, but mostly because we give them the right to continue doing so and over time we’ll realise that by trying to not hurt them, we have hurt ourselves. At the end of the day, we cannot blame anyone for not treating us as we would like when we have not told them how we would like to be treated.
We will always come across people who are toxic, judgemental or controlling, therefore we need boundaries to help us protect ourself and our emotional wellbeing, otherwise we can end up burnt out or having heath issues, which we don’t know how to get rid of.
How do you know if you don’t have healthy boundaries? Let me ask you a few questions:
1) Have you ever said yes when you wanted to say No?
2) Have you ever sacrificed or yourself for others?
3) Have you ever pushed yourself to the limits?
4) Do you work too hard or for too long?
5) Do you ever pretend that you agree when, in fact you don’t?
6) Do you ingore your needs?
7) Do you rest when you are tired and/or do you eat regularly?
8) Have you ever used chemiclas to avoid yourself?
If you answered to 3 or more of the above questions, chances are that you need to work on your boundaries. Below are some things that can strengthen emotional boundaries:
– The right to say No ( without justifying it);
– The freedom to say Yes (without external influences or perceptions);
– Acceptance of our differences and enhancing our uniqueness;
– Free expression of our feeling and thoughts ( without feeling judged);
– Respect for our feelings.
So the next time I’ll fly back to Salerno and someone asks me how much do I earn, I would tell them, politely:”I don’t even tell my mum how much I earn, I don’t feel comfortable in sharing this information with you.”It will feel strage and ackward at the beginning ( and they will probably hate me after 😀 ) but I will set a clear boundary and the next time the same person will think twice before asking me something so personal.
I hope that you enjoyed reading this article and that this will help you to understand what you are doing wrong and how to create strong boundaries so that you can protect your energy!
Love and gratitude xx