terrysalernoI remember the day I lost my dignity.
I was in a relationship with an avoidant who could not meet my needs and was unable to commit, but there was something he knew how to do perfectly…manipulating my thoughts. He did that in a very subtle way. He would give me enough of what I wanted, to remain attached to him, just at the right moment when I was craving it. That “enough” would last for a while until the next drama..and that was the pattern we were repeating periodically, without even knowing it, as unwitting players in a game that was as sad as toxic.
That day he decided that I needed to be punished as I had spoken with my ex without telling him, therefore he vanished. He didn’t block my number nor switched the phone off, he let me call him again and again without answering one single time until I was so desperate that I decided to take the first train, reach his house and wait for him there. Guess how many times I tried calling him? 10? 20? 30? I called him 97 times.
97 slaps in the face. 97 heartburn. 97 stabs in the chest. Why would I do that to myself? Because I was addicted to him. The only thought of living without him would drive me mental. I needed him to talk to me, I needed him to reassure me that he loved me and that he would not leave because of an argument, and I would have done anything to get him to be mine again, including waiting for him for an indefinite amount of hours only to beg him, in tears, to not leave me. “Please, babe, I won’t do this again”.
That was one of the multiple times where I allowed him to make me feel so unworthy, but this episode is really stuck to my mind because if I think about this now I can still feel the pain, the disappointment, the desperation.
Little I knew about love addiction then.
All the books and the articles I have read since have helped me realize that that type of relationship was toxic and that I needed to understand what I was doing wrong before moving onto another relationship. Because, like it or not, if you put yourself in this kind of situation it means that there is something you are missing here. It can be a lack of healthy boundaries or abandonment issues, the most important thing is to recognize what you need to work on so that you can feel better and more empowered within your romantic relationships.
So how do you know if you are a love addict?
Below are the most common signs to help you detect if you have a codependent personality:
- Mistaking sexual intense relationships for love;
- Constantly craving and searching for a romantic relationship;
- When in a relationship, being desperate to please the other person;
- When not in a relationship, feeling alone and meaningless;
- Choosing partners who are emotionally unavailable or verbally/ physically abusive;
- Choosing partners who demand a great deal of attention but who don’t meet your emotional and physical needs;
- Participating in activities that don’t interest you or go against your personal values in order to please the partner;
- Giving up important interests beliefs or friendship to maximise the time with the partner;
- Using sex, seduction and manipulation (guilt/shame) to “hook” or hold onto a partner;
- Finding it difficult or impossible to leave unhealthy or abusive relationships;
- Repeatedely returning to previous painful relationships.
One of the best books I have read about this topic is “Love me don’t leave me” by Michelle Skeen, a psychologist and relationship expert. She goes deep into understanding what is the reason why we fear abandonment, which is typical of love addiction, and how this affects all of our relationships.
In her book, Michelle explains what are the major beliefs that trigger the fear of abandonment response and make us behave in a specific way when we are in a romantic relationship. Before I tell you what these are, let me ask you , what are the circumstances that trigger your fear? I want to ask you because sometimes we hold onto these limiting beliefs without even knowing that we are doing it, and what can look like a normal response to common emotions, can actually hide much more below the surface. So let’s think about it…Do you panic when you don’t receive an immediate response to a text, email or voicemail? Do you become clingy or demanding when someone is pulling away? Or do you leave before you can be left?
Your childhood experiences create schemas. A schema or core belief is a framework that helps you organise and make sense of information and the things around you. We ALL have core beliefs. We carry them into adulthood and they determine our perception about ourselves, others and the world. Our core beliefs are more dangerous when they remain unconscious and outside of our awareness. The four core beliefs that can trigger the fear of abandonment or be triggered by the fear of abandonemtn are: mistrust and abuse, emotional deprivation, effectiveness, and failure. Let’s look at each of them.
With an abandonment core belief your thoughts may include: People who love me will leave me or die. No one has even been there for me. The people I have been closest to are unpredictable. In the end, I will be alone.
If you have a mistrust and abuse core belief your thoughts and experiences may include: I always get hurt by the people close to me. People will take advantage of me if I don’t protect myself. People I trusted have verbally, physically or sexually abused me.
If you have an emotional deprivation core belief your thoughts may include: I feel lonely. I don’t get the love that I need. I don’t have anyone in my life who really cares about meor meets my emotional needs. I don’t feel emotionally connected to anyone.
If you have a defectiveness core belief your thoughts may include: If people really knew me they would reject me. I am unworthy of love. I feel shame about my faults. I present a false self because if people saw the real me they wouldn’t like me.
If you have a failure core belief you may have thoughts that include: Most of my peers are more successful than I am. I am not as smart as other people in my life. I feel ashamed that I don’t measure up to others. I don’t possess any special talents.
Bear in mind, these core beliefs might be triggered only in specific situations, therefore, you might feel that they do not resonate with you all the time. However, if you pay attention to the events of your life, you will eventually identify some or all of them.
The other important thing to understand is that not everyone will trigger your core beliefs, however, there are certain types of people ( and funny enough those are the people we get involved with ) who will trigger your core beliefs.
So what can you do to move away from a toxic relationship and change your emotional response to these people and situation?
1)The first step is to recognise the triggers. Once you identify what makes you have a certain response, it will be easier to predict and avoid it. Recognise that the pain is temporary and try something different..change the focus.
Mindfulness is a great way to exercise your brain to do this and to learn how to identify thinking traps we are caught into when triggered.
2)Increase your self- esteem, understand that you are whole and complete as you are and don’t need validation from anyone. If they don’t want to be with you ( anymore), let them go.
3) Set healthy boundaries, learn when to say no and what is acceptable or not about the way others teat you, you don’t need to tolerate any behaviour that is in contrast with your values.
4)Take care of your needs and wants, no one can do it better than yourself. Make peace with your inner child and look after her as you would do with your own baby, it will improve your self love and your confidence.
Creating a happy and healthy relationship is possible and it can happen to you. Start the journey today and your future self will thank you forever!
Love and Gratitude
xxx